Female in Motion

(This post originally published on October 1, 2012, during the time I was receiving treatment for breast cancer. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.) A week from today, I will return to Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Zion, IL, and if all goes well, I will begin my chemotherapy treatment. Within a few days after that, I will lose all my hair. It won't all fall out at once, but when it starts to get sparse, I'm going to shave it off. And I'm okay with that. My body image has not always been so great. When I was a teenager, I had a lot of self-loathing. I thought my legs were so fat, at 105 pounds, that I refused to wear shorts during the summer. Even in my 20's, after my first brush with cancer, I covered the large scar on my right arm on the hottest July days in Kansas. I am 50 years old now, and overweight, scarred, stretch marked, gray haired and wrinkled. Losing weight, gaining weight, short haired or long haired, I am still me. With ...

I had a "lite" version of breast cancer. It seems like there are a million products on the market now that are "light," "lite," or "reduced" in some fashion. Weird, but I think about my cancer in that way. I had a very mild case of breast cancer, or Cancer Lite. I almost feel like I shouldn't claim to be a cancer survivor. So many others have really, truly struggled with side effects of treatment, horrible pain from surgeries and catastrophic changes to their daily lives. While I did have three surgeries, six doses of chemotherapy and 30 radiation treatments, my body tolerated all of it fairly well, and I seem to be bouncing back rapidly. Call it "survivor's guilt," but I went through a couple of months after treatment where I felt a bit ashamed. I gained weight, had tons of personal support and a great experience with my cancer team. During this time, a young man I knew died from liver cancer. He was a vibrant, strong C...

Last week, I blogged about the power and intimacy of prayer. This subject seemed to resonate with many of you (and me!), so I will continue on this subject for another couple of weeks. Today, I'm focusing on intimacy with Christ. James 4:8a (KJV) Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you. An intimate relationship with God is what most Christians want...and need. However, the possibility of a real and true friendship with our Heavenly Father can only be achieved through a personal relationship with Christ. A salvation experience. When you ask God to forgive your sins and come to live in your heart, it changes you. In II Corinthians 5:17, the Bible says you become a "new creature." The key to this new creation is the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. He takes up residence in our hearts. Our bodies are Christ's new temple. This is how God communicates with us while we are here on Earth. Once you experience the presence of God, you'll be hungry for more. Th...

  Luke 18:1b (KJV)                                                       " ...that men ought always to pray, and not to faint; " Last year, a Christian friend started a Facebook group, called "Prayer Warriors." The only requirement is you pray at least once for the requests that are made on the page. Yesterday, a young woman we had prayed for several months passed away. I have to admit, it hit me hard. I never met her, but Ahna impacted my life. Prayer is powerful. When I wrote about getting "back on track" in my blog post last week, part of my intention was to get back to twice-daily devotion and prayer, and once-daily prayer with my husband. I'm not saying I had stopped praying. Sloppiness was my problem: A shor...

I was just discovering my true self when I met The Hubster. It wasn't his fault, but I threw myself into being a great wife, cook and housekeeper. When my daughters came along, I simply wanted make their lives as happy as possible. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to find out exactly who I was, and I have only recently gotten back on track. The years between have been a lot of fun, and I've learned a lot of important stuff, like what I am not. I am an office manager, but that does not define my talents. I am married to The Hubster, but that does not define my identity. I am the mother of two children, but that does not define my life. I am a member of a Baptist church, but that does not define my faith. I am a breast cancer patient, but that does not define my personality. What defines me? Am I someone's employee, someone's wife, someone's mother, some church's member, someone's patient? Yes, I am those things, but those things do not define w...

Female in Motion, December 23, 2012. I sang O Holy Night at church this morning. Sarah's fancy artwork!   I got a call this morning from my doctor's office at Cancer Treatment Centers of America,  in Zion, IL. My white blood cell count is a little elevated, so my Nurse Navigator recommended that I wear a surgical mask if I have to be out and about. You know me...I just can't leave well enough alone, so I had my daughter/artist design some really cool ones. What do you think? Since my fourth dose of chemotherapy was last week, that means I only have two more treatments: January 7 and 28. I'm so happy and relieved to have this chapter of my life come to an end. Next up will be a month's rest and then radiation, which will be administered in Winfield, KS, close to my home. Thanks and blessings go out to everyone who has stopped by, called, written or messaged to wish my family and I a merry Christmas. We are grateful to God for His abundant blessings and f...

Go to the bathroom. Wash my hands. Fix breakfast. Wash my hands. Feed the cats. Wash my hands. Shake hands at church. Wash my hands. It's all I do. Every day. It seems like I just can't get my hands, or my house, clean enough. Clorox and Lysol are my weapons of war. I keep Purel and disinfectant wipes in my purse and backpack and every room in the house.  Since beginning chemotherapy in October, I've been advised to stay healthy and keep away from folks who are sick. I've always been a bit of a germaphobe. Never would I dream of using the pen the clerk hands you at the store or restaurant to sign a receipt. While I'm doing everything I can to keep from catching a nasty bug, I know that I can never be clean enough to enter Heaven on my own merits. 1 John 1:7 (KJV) But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.  The blood Jesus shed on the cr...

(I'm the skinny brunette in the center, with her elbow on the table.) I grew up in a family that went to church every Sunday. I went through a confirmation class and joined Madison Avenue United Methodist Church in Derby, Kansas when I was 12. Active in church, choir, summer camp, youth group and fundraisers, I also sang solos in church beginning in high school. I served as both treasurer and president of our youth group. We attended youth activities in Wichita and the surrounding area. Before my junior year in high school, I applied to and was selected as a delegate from my church to attend the Kansas UMC METour (Mission Education Tour). Fifty girls from across Kansas were chosen to visit a number of UMC missions and report back to our individual churches the good work that Methodists were doing. We traveled to Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee and Kentucky. This trip changed the way I looked at the world around me. I didn’t realize that I had been so isolated. A...

 A week from today, I will return to Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Zion, IL, and if all goes well, I will begin my chemotherapy treatment. Within a few days after that, I will lose all my hair. It won't all fall out at once, but when it starts to get sparse, I'm going to shave it off. And I'm okay with that. My body image has not always been so great. When I was a teenager, I had a lot of self-loathing. I thought my legs were so fat, at 105 pounds, that I refused to wear shorts during the summer. Even in my 20's, after my first brush with cancer, I covered the large scar on my right arm on the hottest July days in Kansas. I am 50 years old now, and overweight, scarred, stretch marked, gray haired and wrinkled. Losing weight, gaining weight, short haired or long haired, I am still me. With the last surgery I endured, I lost my right breast to cancer, but I know I have the love of my husband, my family and my Savior. No matter how many body parts I lo...

Here it is, folks! The Picture of the Week! I am sporting my new wool fedora from Target. I have made several hat and scarf purchases in recent weeks, preparing for my new hairless look. Cancer Treatment Centers of America called this morning, and I won't be returning there until October 9. It's tough to get five doctors in the same place at the same time. While I am there, if all goes well, I will begin my chemotherapy treatment. My health and mobility are improving every day. I have lost three more pounds (down to 191 today),  and my range of motion is at about 90 percent. I hit the treadmill every weekday. This week, it was 25 minutes per day. Next week, I'm aiming for 30. Endless thanks and blessings to those who sent cards, gifts, jokes, songs and sweet emails this week. I love you guys!

Last Christmas, I was steaming around my mother's house, trying to round up chairs so everyone could sit while opening gifts. My siblings, my daughters, and their families were there. I dashed back to a corner in the basement, picked up two chairs and promptly dropped one. My daughter walked into the room as I was berating myself. "Carol, you stupid idiot, get it together!" "Hey!" she warned, "Don't talk to my mom that way!" Ouch! I was caught. Despite making strides in my journey of self-acceptance, I came up short in a stressful situation. I disappointed my daughter, my Savior, myself. Before I set my head on the pillow that night, I made it right with God. "Forgive me, Lord," I said. And that's when I realized the fight wasn't with myself. The Enemy had a victory that day. I am not the one putting those negative words in my head. When I let my guard down, Satan slithered in my mind with words of defeat and misery. I n...

As promised, here is the weekly photo of Female in Motion. She's a little bit tired, but not too bad for four days post-surgery. I had a single mastectomy of my right breast on Monday, August 20, 2012 at Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Zion, IL. Some folks thought I would be in the hospital for weeks, or in bed for months, but I was released the next day and able to fly home in two days. Modern medicine is a marvelous thing! I was treated like a queen by all the surgical and post-surgical teams at CTCA. The same nurse prepped me as last time (Jerri is a doll! She's been there 32 years.), my recovery nurse was Amy the Angel, and all the techs and nurses that cared for me overnight were so kind. I was allowed to do things at my own pace...which was pretty speedy. Even my roommate was a sweetie. Her name is Debbie and she's a preacher's wife from Iowa. We were praising God all through the night! The housekeepers and nursing staff at the hospital gave me two gi...

I got my hair cut today, maybe for the last time in a while. You see, I'm starting chemo very soon, and my oncologist has informed me that the first thing that happens is you lose your hair. It's funny, but I'm not really bummed about that. Mostly, I'm curious. I wonder what my head looks like without hair? Did I mention how much I hate having my picture taken? God has impressed upon my heart that I should take my photo every week to accompany my posts, at least until the chemotherapy is over, maybe longer. It's crazy, the challenges that God gives us. This will be uncomfortable for me, and maybe for some of you, too. We'll get through it together; you, me and God. Don't get me wrong...I love my hair. It took me a long time to get to that realization. When I was young, it was too curly, then as I became an adult, it was completely unruly. Finally, my hair started graying very young. So I colored it. A lot. For 18 years. Two years ago, I made a de...